**This originally began as a straightforward blog post about the errors that plague our common written language these days, but then I decided that these errors would be best showcased in an example of personal correspondence. So I’ve taken the liberty of creating a character through whom I can communicate this oft-seen nonsense–Hayley Dunce. Hayley is emailing her friend, and I’ve purposefully peppered her message with a plethora of colorful grammatical/spelling/word usage errors that we see all day in emails, printed advertisements, facebook, online messageboards, etc. Dear readers, I give you Hayley unleashed; let’s see how many sentences you can finish before the headache starts to creep in.
To: Alexia von Veltheim <Alexia_VV@normal.com>
Subject: pleeeeeease read and respond!
From: Hayley Dunce <HayleyD@whatever.com>
You really hurt my feeling’s that nite when you wrote me that note. I know that I dont always have the best speling and that my emails and messages have lot’s of grammatical mistake’s in them, but beleive me, I mean no offense, and im definteley not stupid. You didnt have to start preaching about apostrophe’s this and plural that. I went to 1st grade two. The thing with apostrophe’s is that there almost always followed by the letter “s.” So yes, I put them into lot’s of word’s that end with “s,” you know…just to be safe. And its not like you cant figure out what Im saying. Whatever. Anyway’s, whats a few mistake’s between best friend’s? I dont know anyone with a better friendship then hours, and I know that are love and understanding is fur real and will stand the test of time. Thats why its such a waist when we spend so much of are time fighting. Your the best friend Ive ever have had, the best friend I could of ever have had hoped for. And girl, thats sayin allot!
Are you going to my cousins birthday tommorrow? Supposably its a surprise party, but i think she prolly already knows about it, HAHA, my family cant keep secret’s! I was thinking of comming to your place first so we could do a little shopping, get are hair done and maybe get some new clothes’s? I could of used a new outfit last Wensday when I met up with David. Speaking of David, we were spending allot of time together, but he was just taking way to long to make up his mind about me, so i gave him the boot. He hadnt even asked me out for cofee yet! So Im sorrey, I had to say “BY BY DAVID!” I refuse to sit around waiting for boy’s to make up there minds! I dont understand guy’s sometime’s! They say they want girl’s to sit back, let them take the lead. But you sit around and wait, and weight, and way for them to do things bye theirself, than they sit their and want the girl’s to do all the work! Whatever! Their’s lot’s of fishes’s in the sea! Didnt you have the same problem with that guy Mark last month?? Arent we a pare?! HAHA, we should be guest’s on the Orprah show or they should do a TV show about are luv lifes! Between your relationships and mine’s, their’s enough material their to fill a libary! HAHA, or at the very least they can fill an encyclopaeadideiea! Luv is sooo complex. I mean, everyone wants the same thing–we all want happinness and contemptment–so why do we make areselfs and each other sooo unhappy?
Bye the way, I think we should quit the weekend job’s at the pool. Did you see those guy’s who took all the credit for cleaning the floor’s and washing the dishes’s when where the ones who did ALL the work?? Beside’s, ive been eating way to many burger’s and chip’s while im their, and ive gained a little wait. My lo-rise pants dont even fit anymore, and to go out to the movie’s last nite, i had to pull out some aweful high-wasted jeans from like, 1994! Holey crap, rite?! HAHA, totaly infashionable that nite! Soooo hummilliating!
Oh, my mom told me you called this morning to thank me for dropping off the or-durves and desert last week before the party. You know you dont have to thank me for that crap! But your welcome anyway’s, HAHA!
OK, let me know about tommorrow, weather you wanna go shopping before my cousins party, or if you wanna get together for some cofee. Or we could pretend were from Englend and drink tee! Ive always wanted to do that–HAHA, very sivilized and refined, just like royaltey at a cassle! Im good with whatever you choose.
Luv you fur EVER and fur ALWAY’S!
P.S. – My dad and brother and there friend’s are going dear hunting up north in for months. You wanna do a Medditerrannean cruise or something during that time?! Ive never been to Itlay or Grease, but you no what they say : europe is like having babie’s–its a pain in the ass but you gotta do it! HAHA, sooo histerical, i LUV that joke! No one id rather have their buy my side then you. We will disgust tommorrow over cofee. I have to go make a list of thing’s i have to get done by the weekend. I wood of done them already, but you know how it goes–hear one minute, their the next. Ill call you tonite. You better pick up the phone, you know i hate it when you scream your call’s. Thats fine for stranger’s but dont do that to me or ill totaly kick your ass! HAHA, just kidding! Luv you fur EVER!