Ten Slightly-to-Wholly Ridiculous Tips for Staying Warm in the Winter
(feel free to add to the list)
#1 – Take a pair of socks. Take a hand-held blowdryer. Open up your sock and stick the tip of the blowdryer inside and blast some heat for 30 seconds. Put the socks on your feet. Remember to turn off the blowdryer.
#2 – Therma-care heat pads. Normally used for injured/aching muscles. You can put them just about anywhere on your body, so stick them on all over for several hours of continuous heat. The effect is akin to that of standing inside a lit chimney. Best you don’t do this in public, of course…
#3 – Do a load of laundry. After you take the load out of the dryer, lie down and cover yourself in the hot clothes/sheets/whatever. Pure bliss. Should keep you warm for at least 15 minutes.
#4 – Bake a batch of cookies, brownies or a cake. After you’ve taken the goods out, leave the oven door open and stand in front of it so the hot air blows all over you.
#5 – Iron some pajama pants and put them on immediately after you’ve removed all wrinkles (enough heat for a good 10 minutes). For an extra special warm sensation, do this with your underwear.
#6 – Drive your car continually from sunrise to sunset with the heater on.
#7 – Drink mulled wine with breakfast, lunch and dinner, and drink it between meals instead of water. You won’t feel cold at all. As a matter of fact, you won’t feel anything.
#8 – Put your laptop directly on your skin for a few minutes. Move it around from spot to spot. Roll over onto your stomach and have someone put it on your back. Less efficient, hard-working laptops are best since they generate more heat more quickly.
#9 – Make your way to the grocery store; go to the section where hot prepared foods are sold. These items are usually kept warm under heat lamps behind glass. The glass is extra toasty from the heat, so it’s a perfect spot to lean on and rest your body.
#10 – In all honesty, I only get cold in the winter when I’m forced to get out of bed and attend to matters of everyday living, so might I suggest that you tell your employer that you’re unavailable for X number of days/weeks/months (length of time to be determined by you). Place a few gallons of drinking water at your bedside along with some candy and wine, and hire a servant to bring you bowls of good hardy dishes every four hours or so (coq au vin, poutine, rabbit paprikash and the like). Leave the bed and the comforters only to take hot baths and to attend to personal hygiene. Outside the front of your home, be sure to display a clearly-visible note explaining that you won’t be taking visitors or answering the doorbell during the winter season, as opening the front door would let in a draft. The note should be handwritten, of course; a typed message is cold and impersonal.
A final note: Avoid certain settings and situations such as caroling, chopping wood in the backyard, skiing and going to hockey games (these games take place in indoor rooms with flooring meant to simulate ice–preposterous!) Don’t let yourself get roped into shoveling snow, either. If your neighbors complain that the snow is piling up, just tell them it’s biodegradable and whatever bit is on the sidewalk will go away on its own within two to four months.
*I would think it understood that this list is for entertainment purposes only. But just in case it’s not understood: this list is for entertainment purposes only. In the spirit of honesty, I do confess that I did some of these things out of desperation at one point or another.