There are a couple of movie channels on the tube that show Bond flicks on a daily or weekly basis, and lately, I’ve been tuning in quite often. They are stylish, exciting, and showcase some great stuntwork. They are chock full of humor–both intentional and unintentional. I’m feeling like sometime in the future, I’ll have to do a full-scale deconstruction of this phenomenon, but in the meantime, I wonder about one thing. I was watching Moonraker a couple of days ago. A few minutes after it started, Bond started making out with some air hostess that he met perhaps 30 minutes earlier, if that. I’m wondering if he uses condoms? Bond probably has more sexual partners than most people working in the world’s oldest profession.

I’d love to see a new installment in the Bond franchise–a new chapter that speaks to the bleak, unimaginative viewer who is not capable of suspending reality. A new phase in Bond’s life in which he works through some challenging setbacks… Something like Bond getting a “Hey-I-wanted-to-introduce-myself-to-you” phonecall at work from a fully-grown biracial lovechild. Or Bond writing a series of child-support checks to keep his brood properly fed and clothed. Or Bond trading in his Aston Martin for a Hyundai so he can help send his twelve or thirty kids to university. Just a thought.

Come on, James, make me laugh ’til my belly hurts. Of course if Mr. Bond does use condoms, these become moot scenarios.