We can’t be friends.
In early January, I logged into Facebook and noticed the status of my good friend “M” that struck a chord. She said:
Trying to remind myself that just because a cause is important for me, it doesn’t mean it will automatically be important to my friends. And that their choices are their own even if they go against my fundamental beliefs and I have to respect their decisions, but it’s not easy.
Hers is an astute statement, and one of the most important truths one can–and arguably must–face about one’s friends and relatives. But it seems to be getting harder and harder. We are more unapologetic than ever about our standards and beliefs; we hold our ideals close to our hearts more fiercely than ever. So where does that leave a friendship when one party makes a move or statement that completely goes against the other’s ethics and standards?
My friend M is a staunch defender of animals. She is adoptive mother to a beloved rescue dog to whom she devotes much care and affection; she also uses much of her free time to further the cause of mistreated animals, always encouraging people to adopt animals if they are looking to grow their clan with four-legged cuties. After M posted her Facebook status, she later explained her sadness and frustration to me privately: on a day that she was running an adoption event for rescued dogs, one of her best friends went to the mall, and decided on a whim to buy a dog from a pet shop that sources its dogs from puppy mills, hence promoting and perpetuating inhumane treatment of animals. Sadly, this friend has volunteered at some of M’s animal rescue events, and is aware of the shop’s bad practices. So the friend posted pics of the new puppy on Facebook, and M, surprised to see the new dog, messaged her and said, ‘pleeease tell me you adopted the puppy.’ Friend’s response: ‘Oh, sorry girl, we were in the mall and it was a spur of the moment thing.’ For M, the spur of the moment aspect is one of the worst things about the whole situation, being that most people get cats and dogs on the “spur of the moment” then get fed up with the work several months later and get rid of them, contributing to an already uncontrollable situation for animal shelters. I feel my friend’s pain: that flaky buy-and-ditch behavior with animals has soured me on several people I know personally.
To M, the treatment of abused animals is wholly important and an issue of ethics and morality; to her friend, it’s kind of nothing. Where do you draw the line? After all, this wasn’t a disagreement about where to eat for dinner. When you truly don’t see eye to eye with a close friend or relative about something that “counts,” are you able to forget the difference of opinion easily? In the spirit of honesty, I admit that I can’t get past certain differences, even with people I love. For instance: I have felt a dramatic roller-coaster-stomach-dropping sense of disappointment during conversations that revealed certain friends of mine to be genuine bigots. Did I begin to feel a toxic hatred for them? No, because I don’t like to feel toxic hatred for people, but the truth is that I never thought of them in the same way again, and I ended up distancing myself emotionally from those friends. Was this judgmental and harsh of me? Should I have tried to change my former friends’ minds? I’m not a confrontational person, so that wouldn’t have been my style. Should I have had a mindset of “friends can disagree, let’s move past this”? That wouldn’t have worked for me–my memory’s too clear to ignore and forget that type of thing.
My friend M? Though thoroughly disappointed in her friend’s on-a-whim pet store purchase, she didn’t want to dampen her buddy’s happiness and excitement of having a new puppy in the house, so instead of criticizing, she chose to insist that her friend put the dog in training school to avoid a future “this dog’s out of hand” situation. She also offered to lend her books on dog-rearing. Her friend didn’t show interest. In the weeks that have passed since that day, she has not had any further contact with her friend, and confesses that she can’t help but feel disengaged from the relationship.
What constitutes a deal-breaker for you in a friendship? Are you able to disregard major differences with your friends?
**Photo: “We’re not friends anymore” by JMParrone
Anthony Kimber
January 31, 2011This is definitely a friendship severer…In my opinion. Pet shop dogs aren’t even worth the bedding they sleep on…They’re usually from inferior blood lines, and come with a host of parasites, and often develop adult diseases….Due to the puppy mill breeding. her friend is an idiot, this time anyways…..Her friends beliefs(which I echo) aside, as I have rescued 2 dogs. It’s her friends loss, as a society can be measured by how it treats its animals…..Take note, all you whaling nations….Sorry to rant on your space, Diva, I’m out now!
sunnyglobaldiva
January 31, 2011You may rant, sir, because you are a good steward of animals.
Frankie
January 31, 2011Great post, Marilise! I’ve lost Facebook acquaintances due to political and ideological differences in the past. One of them became very nasty and wrote things that I ended up deleting once he’d un-friended me. It was rough, and shocking, and I was very angry about it for a little. Some people can’t deal with differences in opinion, and I’d rather not have people who resort to insults vs. conversation in my life. I got over it, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Whether I break off a friendship or not depends on how long I’ve known a friend and how offensive whatever they’ve done is. There are some things I can’t look past. Hurting people with no reason is a deal-breaker. Bigotry is a big no-no. Driving drunk repeatedly? Also a big no-no. Continuously breaking plans is frustrating, and I don’t put up with it long. I have standards! 😀
Still, it always hurts to lose a friend, regardless of the reason for backing away from them. I’ve also wondered whether I should have tried harder to reason with some. At the worst, the outcome of the conversation would have been a falling out- which already happened, you know?
Sorry for the super long response! 😀
sunnyglobaldiva
January 31, 2011Thanks, Frankie, and no apologies for longer (I call them ‘thoughtful’ 😉 )responses necessary–I welcome them! Funny that you mention the drunk driving…that’s a no-no for me too. I’m hardly anti-alcohol or prudish about wine–and I know you’re an avid wine lover too–but that type of irresponsibility and disregard grates on my nerves and as I’ve gotten older, I’m beginning to find certain things unacceptable, that being one of them.
I agree with questioning whether we should try to reason with friends…I ought to be less afraid of argument, I guess. Tough when you’re nice though, lol 🙂
Mo
January 31, 2011Leez, your entry made me think about Rumi’s poetry. Many people mistake Rumi (the Persian poet) as a master of romantic love — but his poetry and writings on love transcend our limited understanding of love (and friendship, for that matter) and allow us to see that what is important in relationships– it is not the boundaries/criteria we attach to it (“the temple”) but actually the essence of love or friendship itself. So, even if we “lose” a friend — we can not cancel out all the wonderful aspects of that friendship. The traces of all our relationships linger on our minds/hearts/memories. These relationships help us form who we are. For example, your friend “M” was able to see her compassion for animals at a much deeper level because of her friend’s behavior. That is a cause for celebration to me. Her friend (who bought the puppy at the mall) actually allowed “M” to deepen her love/compassion to animals. That is a gift. A true gift of friendship.
Rumi’s poem:
The temple of love is not love itself;
True love is the treasure,
Not the walls about it.
Do not admire the decoration,
But involve yourself in the essence,
The perfume that invades and touches you-
The beginning and the end.
Discovered, this replaces all else,
The apparent and the unknowable.
Time and space are slaves to this presence
(sorry to be so “persian”) 🙂 he he
sunnyglobaldiva
January 31, 2011I love that, Moey! That idea that the essence of our relationships is teaching us about ourselves and literally shaping us the way that water shapes stone… As you say, M’s friend’s actions helped M further understand her unbending love of animals, and so we should learn to be grateful even for these painful experiences because they show us who we are at our core.
It is great to be “so persian,” darling Mo!! 😀
Kattsby
February 3, 2011I’ve been defriended once in FB because of different opinions. Not by someone I knew in real life … it was an online buddy [former now]. It didn’t matter because it turned out she apparently was so far away from everything I stand for.
I can take a lot. I’m not confrontational either. It all depends on the matter at hand.
sunnyglobaldiva
February 4, 2011It’s funny you mention that, Kattsby because today I actually unfriended a Facebook acquaintance for repeated obnoxious comments on my statuses. On one hand, it’s nice that a disagreeable experience with someone can end as easily as clicking “Un-friend.” On the other hand, with true friends it’s never that simple.
Kattsby
February 4, 2011I’ve give this a great deal of thought …and I had good reasons to do so. When you’re in a marriage, and realize it’s going nowhere, you divorce.
How do you ‘divorce’ a ‘friend’ when you come to the conclusion they are not really a friend in the right meaning of the word.
I had to do that last Fall, or I’d gone crazy…